Overwhelming feelings

 Sometimes I get these feelings of being overwhelmed and underappreciated. When that happens, I tend to ruminate about things from my relationship with my mother to my relationship with my daughter to my relationship with my granddaughters.  I get in a self critical mode, and I can’t stop it. I just keep spiraling downward and downward and downward to the point that I don’t know when to stop or how to stop, and I just want to stop but I can’t.   I feel like my whole life is centered around other people, and that there’s a little time for my life. Tom passed over 15 years ago, and all I’ve done is take care of other peoples kids. I don’t know if I’d be in a better place financially, if I wasn’t taking care of my great niece and nephew, my sister, my grand children, Ron, Sara, and anyone else who has crossed my path. But I know that I’m always broke. I raised Joseph and Isabella, Shaelen Shylar and I’m raising Alicia without any help from anyone. Yes I got some money from the state but it was like between 200 and $400 a month , which was absolutely nothing when you’re raising five kids that aren’t yours. I made really good money but it all went into things for the kids. Thanks for the house my car making sure everybody had what they needed to survive. I retired in June 2021 and it’s been a roller coaster ever since that day . I was hoping for some time and some money to do some things that I would like to do like upgrade my house build my gardens, make a beautiful home for myself, and do some travel with some friends that didn’t happen and that’s not going to happen for a while more.  I’ve learned throughout my life that the only person I can count on to take care of me is me and that may require that I don’t get to do the things that I’d like to do because I just can’t let these other kids, people, struggle and not have someone to care for them.  I don’t know where my life is going to go. I am 68 and 4 1/2 months and I still haven’t done most of the things I wanted to do. My grandkids complain about everything they’re never happy you’re never satisfied. No matter what I do , I can’t get it right but I keep trying. I guess I just am that imperfect daughter that my mother made sure I knew I was when I was growing up I couldn’t so right I couldn’t vacuum right I couldn’t do my hair right I couldn’t eat a cookie right I couldn’t do the dishes, right , I couldn’t drive the way she wanted me to. I could go on and on and on about the list of things that I couldn’t do right for my mother but still I loved her. I learned a lot from her, but the criticism was an awful lot to take. I know I was her oldest daughter , but geez, give me a freaking break in there somewhere I know I had to do some things right but it’s gonna take some time to figure out what those things were. 

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